The Man Who Holds Everything Together

Who looks after the man everyone else depends on?

Think about the man who gets up every morning, goes to work, delivers results, meets deadlines, supports his colleagues, pays all his bills on time and tries along with all of that to be there for his family.

He's the person lots of people turn to when something goes wrong. He’s the one who finds a solution, takes responsibility and always seems to keep moving forward when others around him in work and family are struggling.

At work, he's dependable, a go to person with answers. At home, he's the provider, a husband a dad a stable influence. To his friends, he's the person who can be relied upon for advice and friendship once again he’s a go to person.

But here's a question we don't ask often enough.

Who's looking after him?

Behind the confident smile and the familiar words, "I'm grand," there can sometimes be a man who's exhausted, overwhelmed and quietly wondering how much longer he can keep everything going.

I wrote my book The Bulletproof Banker after I suffered Mental Exhaustion working 84 hours a week in a corporate toxic environment. Every day was an internal struggle I held it together never showing any emotion or my true feelings until it was too late.

And the problem is that neither I or many other men do not feel we have permission to say so.

The pressure to be the strong one

Many men grow up because their early educators taught them that being strong means dealing with your problems yourself. You get on with things. You don't complain. You don't let people down. You put the head down and get on with it and just suck it up.

There is of course believe it or not a positive side to these qualities. Responsibility, resilience and commitment actually matter. You see readers, Families need support, Businesses need leaders and Colleagues need people they can depend on.

But there is a huge difference between being dependable and believing you must carry everything alone.

When we men feel responsible for everybody else's wellbeing, we usually neglect our own. We tend to put off difficult conversations, ignore all the warning signs of stress and convince ourselves that things will get easier once we get through the next deadline, the next project or the next difficult issue we have to deal with.

But here is the problem, there's always another deadline. Another challenge. Another person who needs something from us because we are the go-to person, and before long, looking after everyone else becomes our priority, while looking after ourselves is continually pushed to the bottom of the daily priority list.

When stress becomes part of everyday life

One of the challenges with stress is that we can become so accustomed to it that we stop recognising how much it is affecting us.

We men tell ourselves that we're just busy, that work is demanding or that everyone else has problems. Yet, the signs can begin to appear in other areas of our lives. Now we are sleeping poorly, struggling to concentrate or finding it difficult to switch off after work resulting in being more irritable with our partner or children. We tend to withdraw from friends, lose interest in the things we once enjoyed or feel that we have nothing left to give when we get home and in a quiet time to worry about the future and ruminate about the past, we just can’t be in the present moment.

So, we keep ourselves constantly occupied because slowing down would mean having to address how we're really feeling.

The signal here is that something in our lives needs attention.

The danger is not always that we have a break down as I did and became the reason, I wrote my book The Bulletproof Banker. Sometimes it's just that we gradually stop enjoying the life we're working so hard to maintain.

The workplace culture where being strong can become a trap

I have worked as a Senior Manager in Financial Services for many years and I know the expectations placed on people male and female in leadership positions. Managers are expected to deliver results, motivate their teams, manage difficult conversations, deal with uncertainty and make decisions that affect other people's lives while constantly being asked to do more with less.

Many are also dealing with pressures outside work that their colleagues know little or nothing about.

Yet how often does a male manager feel comfortable admitting that they're struggling?

There is definitely a perception that acknowledging stress will undermine confidence in their leadership. Why?  Well, it’s simple we men worry about appearing incapable, losing respect or being overlooked for future opportunities.

So, we suck it up and we carry on silent dying inside while we help others incapable of asking for help ourselves.

But we men need to realise that good leadership doesn't mean being invulnerable. It means understanding our limits, recognising when pressure is affecting our judgement and having the courage to identify it and address it.

We men need to realise that a leader who looks after their own wellbeing is not letting their team down. They are taking responsibility for their ability to lead effectively over the long term.

Organisations have a responsibility here, too. We cannot tell men and women leaders to prioritise their mental health while the organisation rewards and expects constant availability, excessive workloads and the underlining belief culture that asking for help is a weakness.

So why do we men continue to struggle and tell people all is Good.

Sometimes, it's because we genuinely don't know how to explain what we're feeling.

Sometimes, we don't want to worry the people we love.

Sometimes, we compare ourselves with others and convince ourselves that our problems aren't serious enough to talk about.

And sometimes, we simply don't want to appear vulnerable.

But saying "It’s all good" can become a habit that prevents the people around us from understanding what's really happening.

We men need to realise that we don't need to have reached crisis point before we deserve support. You don't need to have all the answers before you start a conversation. Don’t be like me and leave it until it was almost too late to ask for help.

Five ways to stop carrying everything alone

1. Be honest with yourself.

Take a few minutes to consider how you're actually doing. Are you constantly tired? Are you more short-tempered than usual? Are you enjoying life outside work? Recognising the signs is a starting point, not a failure.

2. Talk to someone you trust.

You don't need to make a big announcement or explain everything perfectly. Start with one honest sentence: "I've had a lot on my mind lately, and I could do with talking to someone."

3. Stop treating every problem as yours to solve.

At work and at home, ask yourself whether you genuinely need to take responsibility for everything. Delegate where possible, agree realistic expectations and learn to say no when your capacity is stretched and learn to set boundaries.

4. Protect something in your life that isn't work.

Make time for exercise, friendships, hobbies, family or simply getting outdoors. These aren't rewards you earn after everything else is finished. They are important parts of a healthy life.

5. Get support before you reach breaking point.

Speak with your doctor, an appropriately qualified mental health professional or an employee assistance programme if stress is becoming difficult to manage. Seeking help early is a sensible step towards protecting your health, relationships and future, it is not a sign of failure.

My final thought

There is nothing wrong with being the man people depend on.

There is enormous personal value in being reliable, committed and willing to help others when they need you.

But you are a man, not a machine. You have limits, emotions, needs and responsibilities to yourself as well as to everyone around you.

Your worth isn't measured by how much pressure you can tolerate in work, how many problems you can solve or how successfully you hide your struggles.

Sometimes, the most important thing you can do for the people who depend on you is to look after yourself FIRST.

So, this month, I am asking you a simple question:

Am I looking after myself with the same commitment that I give to everybody else?

And if you're reading this and recognising yourself in these words, remember that you don't have to carry everything alone.

You matter, too.